WARNING: The entry below contains content so hilarious, you may hurt yourself. This is an e-mail I just received from one of my best friends, Michaela no-middle-name Cullen. For those of you who know Michaela, you have most likely been subject to her hilariousness before, thus building up some resistance. Others, be aware, and be careful.
“So, funny story……so I was at Summer’s on Monday showing a potential sublet person the room. While we were waiting for her to arrive summer and I were catching up. I asked summer if anything exciting has happened and she goes “well I wasn’t going to say anything cus I knew you were debating about the apartment but now that you are definitely going I’ll tell you.” So turns out two weeks ago on a Saturday, late afternoon, she is cleaning the apartment and approaches the futon….oh and she said that the bunny, mr. spots had been acting “weird” the last 2 days, every time she came home he was sitting on top of the coffee table giving her weird eyes….now, I wasn’t too sure how this before was considered “weird” as the fact that that bunny is always in a state of constant “weird psychotic-ness” but anyway…so she approaches the futon and pulls back the futon and its pretty dark but she sees two eyes look at her….her first thought is that it’s mr. spots but when she turns around mr. spots is sitting on the coffee table staring at her….summer turns around and looks closer and pulls the futon further back to reveal…….a freakin……raccoon chilling behind the futon….she screams, runs to the kitchen table, stands on it and calls 311 who tells her to call 911…the raccoon is still behind the futon, chillin…summer on the kitchen table waiting for 911 she thinks maybe its hurt or dying so goes over to check on it, this time pulling the futon back she is greeted with huge hisses and snarls from this coon (who she claims is the size of a fat fat cat), she jumps back on the table and waits for the cops to come….which they do, 15 minutes later…summer goes to the door and greets the 2 female cops and explains them the situation…upon hearing that they were actually not dealing with the typical nyc ghetto fabulousness but with a raccoon instead they fight over who is going to go inside and agree that neither of them will- they “ain’t never touched a raccoon and they ain’t startin today thank you very much!” animal rescue is called. They bring a metal rode with a rope at the end to laso the little guy…turns out 45 minutes later books everywhere…raccoon feces on the walls and pillows clawed…they caught the raccoon and fed him a tranquilizer.
Turns out raccoons live in prospect park up the street and come down to look for trash and food…or in our case climb our fire escape jump to the window with no screen to hang out behind a futon for 2 days…oh and yes, summer most likely was chillin watching tv with a raccoon under her ass.
No hot water, cockroaches, bed bugs, and raccoons…..sublet, anyone? Anyone?
Needless to say, NEST will NOT be doing a feature of this living space. However, I would like to interview the raccoon.